2A2 Lesson - Avoiding Harmful Reactions to Emotions
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Learning how to safely deal with anger in the heat of the moment is one of the most difficult yet important EQ skills to learn well. Practicing this technique can develop into an inexpensive insurance policy, protecting you and your relationships when in the midst of unavoidable frustrations and anger.
Controlling Anger in the Heat of the Moment
Learning how to deal with anger safely is one of the most difficult yet important EQ skills to learn well. It can be very tricky to defuse potent angry feelings when they emerge. In some situations, the emotional pain of anger can compare somewhat to the physical pain we feel from a cut through our skin. Even if it isn’t serious enough to need stitches, it can still cause intense pain for a while. As children, we learned to withstand such physical pain rather than express it by crying, knowing the damage is minor and the pain will soon subside. Unfortunately, it can often be more difficult to recognize the level of seriousness causing pain of anger and know when it is more helpful to withstand the pain, rather than aggressively express our immediate thoughts.
Hopefully, you’ve already read section “2A1 Getting to Know Your Mind Better”, where one of the questions, among others listed to ask yourself daily is: “What frustrated, angered or bothered me today?” By journaling this particular question each day, we mentioned that you learn to reflect on stressful experiences days later in an insightful manner —after the heat of the moment has passed. This particular question is meant to bring closer attention to the tendency of our mind’s stress gauge to malfunction and initially overreact.
In this lesson about improving your EQ, we’d like to share with you a technique we’ve found extremely helpful to defuse anger in the actual heat of the moment. The following activity teaches a powerful yet relatively simple way to prepare you for future stress from anger and frustration. This technique should improve your chances of reacting in a more emotionally intelligent manner when these potent feelings emerge. You will be creating a reminder sheet we call an “Anger Extinguisher”.
To begin this activity, read through the following instructions thoroughly. Then, on one side of a sheet of paper, write a list of PEOPLE with whom you would not want to haphazardly hurt or unknowingly strain your relationship. The list should actually include everyone, even the grocery store clerk and mail carrier.
On the back side of the paper, write a list of the kinds of THINGS that offend or anger you. Your list can refer to things other people do to you, things that just happen to you or to others that bother you. It may take several days to complete a thorough list; don’t be concerned with completing it your first try. (Perhaps you’ll only be reminded of some people or particulars you need to list when you repeat related experiences.)
On the front side of the sheet that lists PEOPLE, note the following reminder at the top:
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Remember, in most instances, if we wait rather than comment or react too freely in the heat of the moment, we have time to rethink what we will say and do –and have time to consider a more diplomatic response. |
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On the top of the back side of the sheet that lists THINGS that offend or anger you, note this reminder:
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Remember, to keep an emotional intelligent composure when angry is very difficult, yet is important to heighten our EQ. |
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Of course, all this can be done on a computer file, as well.
To increase the chances of this daily reminder becoming an effective tool, it is important to review it each morning (and evening, if desired) with CONCERN and PURPOSE in mind. (It should take only a few minutes.) By reviewing the information daily, there is a good chance that thoughts of this list could come to the forefront of your mind when angry feelings emerge. Remembering this “anger extinguisher” and its purpose can improve your odds of remaining calm or at least withstanding immediate pain, instead of harmfully reacting.
Without such a review, it can be much more difficult to change habitual, harmful ways we can naturally be too prone to react. If it doesn’t work the first time you have to deal with a frustrating moment, don’t give up. It may take longer than you think to make such a radical, but helpful change to a long term habit.
By remembering to apply cautious limits that are necessary to avoid harmful reactions, we also avoid serious repercussions that we probably don’t consider or even realize exist when we’re in the heat of the moment. Briefly reviewing this information each day can be an inexpensive, yet very protective insurance policy, when we are in the midst of unavoidable frustrations and anger.
Whether we are dealing with an emotional splinter or a full blown emotional stab in the heart, the best technique to apply can be important to know, if we are to save a relationship from becoming infected or outright dying. With a helpful daily reminder of the importance of defusing potential harmful reactions, we have a better chance to consider a more emotionally intelligent approach.
Sometimes, however, situations are too complex for us to define a diplomatic approach. We need the equivalent of medical doctor or surgeon to deal with serious situations that cause anger or frustration. In these kinds of situations, we suggest seeking the help of a counselor. These days, some have knowledge to heal us emotionally that can compare to a medical surgeon’s knowledge to heal us physically—and they are our best resource when we are dealing with complex emotional situations.
Note: Remember, again, at this point to continue reading through Lesson 3, if you haven’t previously done so, before beginning the suggested activities.
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